You know that God moves in a mysterious way when someone like me is asked to write about how a man should pursue a woman, for marriage, in a God honouring way. And I’m sure of this, because I’m going to give it a try.
So, here’s my “7 Step Plan on How to Pursue a Woman“.
Ok. Not really. However there are a few things I would keep in mind if I was going to pursue a woman – even though I’m not sure if all this would apply across different cultural backgrounds – but these are important or importanté as they say it in German (or Spanish, I don’t know, I saw it on YouTube).
And so, here goes:
You need to be following Jesus wholeheartedly
It starts here, man. It starts with believing in the good news of God, that Jesus Christ lived, died and rose from the dead to save sinners from the wrath of God, to bring sinners to God, to the glory of God. Following Jesus means living in obedience to Him, fighting and killing sin daily, putting on, pursuing and displaying godly character. Being involved in the life of your church. Being a man who is diligent and devoted to working hard at his job. Being a man who does not shy away from standing up for his faith.
These are essential if you really want to pursue a woman for marriage.
Tell people about it
Please do everyone a favour and tell people about it. No, you don’t have to tell the couple visiting your church gathering for the first time. Tell the godly and mature people in your church. Tell those with whom you consistently fellowship with, the ones who love you and care for you.
There is much value in doing so, for they can provide direction and counsel, which you would need in abundance.
Do it with honour
Here’s the part where you aim to walk in holiness. If you mean to pursue her, speak forth words declaring your intentions, in other words, ask her out.
No pokes, no likes or hearts on social media. You also need to make it clear why you’re asking her out for lunch/dinner/chai-pani, meaning you make it clear that you’re doing this with the intention of getting married, God willing, and not simply for the relational intimacy.
This implies that you end up having potentially difficult and awkward conversations about each other, about the future etc. Does this mean that your dates have to be a stressful affair? By no means! Enjoy the company, make her laugh, recount times when you made yourself look like a World Champion Buffoon**, as you get a foretaste of what hanging out would look like “till death do us part”.
Right. So there’s a lot of honouring to do. As an outflow of your love and honour for God, honour her. Treat her with respect in your words and actions. Conduct yourself in all purity towards her, in both behaviour and thought. Keep the physical touch to the bare minimum (like touching her feet when you greet her).
Honour your parents too. Get them involved from the beginning or from the time you see fit, depending on your equation with them.
It’s tough, I know
Putting yourself out there, being mostly uncomfortably and facing possible rejection are all realities in this (sort of) fool’s errand. But I believe this is the way to go because I believe that God designed men to lead, provide and protect in every sort of relationship he has including the romantic relationship.
Unless of course, you’re an arranged marriage kind of guy (nothing wrong with that, just make sure she’s a believer) or someone who talks and talks to a girl and at the hour of reckoning, you confess your feelings to her.
May God give you all the grace needed, and more, as you pursue her.
**Special thanks to P.G. Wodehouse for introducing me to this term. Maybe do yourself a favour and get his book here.
Author’s Note: This article also appears in The Gathering Community Church website.
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